What does that mean to you, my readership….more work. You’ll have to check back from time to time to see if any new posts have been made. I realize that this will lead to less readership and ultimately the demise of any following I’ve earned, but hey, duty calls. I think this could’ve been avoided had I been supported by my cohorts with more content, but I’m not here to whine/bitch.

I’m here to thank all of the Tue AM SG readers for the continued support.

Some thoughts:

I’m not sold on the ViQueens. There is absolutely no way Jethro is going to have as good of a season as he had last year. And though I’ve said it many times and been wrong, this is the year he gets knocked out and the streak ends. The WR core is depleted. Adrian Peterson still suffers from fumblitis. Jethro is still the Gunslinger and prone to retarded picks. I can’t say for sure who will represent the NFC in the Super Bowl (Saints or Pack probably), but I can say it won’t be the Vikes. Skoal on that!

 Minnesota – the land of gay mascots. Between this guy and Goldy Gopher I don’t know who is more Queer Eye.

Do any grown men take baths? I don’t remember the last time I soaked in a tub (spa/hot tub not included). What appeals about a bath? It never stays hot and you’re soaking in the dirt that came off your skin. What is the appeal? Bubbles? I like to say bubbles, I like to blow bubbles, but they don’t make me want to soak in a tub for 30-40 min. How does one wash oneself in a tub? Bar soap or a loufa? You can’t just rub on shower gel in a tub….Thank God for the inventor of the shower.

Prior to the birth of my son I was afraid of the amount of poop I’d be getting on myself, but I must say, parenthood is de-sensitizing me to poop/pee. I’ve already been urinated on numerous times and fecal matter gets on me, it comes w/ the territory, and I’m realizing w/ the invention of hand sanitizer, I’m okay with this. Taking out the diaper garbage on the other hand is a punishment. I dry heave every time. 3-4 day old poopy diapers smell pretty much like the worst thing on Earth. I think I’d rather be forced to bang Danny DeVito than swim through a mountain of dirty diapers. Now that’s a would you rather…..

On the topic of childbirth, a new addition to my vocab is the term/verb swaddle. Where has this word been my whole life? Ever since I’ve learned how to swaddle I’ve been trying to substitute swaddle in every sentence I can. Think of how the Smurfs substitute the word “smurf” in almost every sentence. I do that w/ swaddle. Ever tell your wife, “I’m going to fucking swaddle you so hard,” or  shout at your nephew, “Hey Swaddle-Dick!” or even better when the wife asks what you are doing in the basement, “Just getting my swaddle on.” Anyways, I think it’s appropriate to use non-stop, until I get punched for being annoying.

Why did Papa Smurf get to wear red and all the others had to wear white? I’ve never understood this.

Swaddle On Readers. See you round the coffee shop,

Larry Chivas

The God-Damned Milwaukee Sewer System. What Moron designed this? Why did the county spend millions of dollars on a deep tunnel that is not even big enough to handle run-off from a large rain storm? This has to be one of the worst cases of city planning in modern history. This is almost as bad as New Orleans (building a sprawling municipality in a giant flood plane/hurricane path). Worst part, the only way to open up more space in the tunnel is to dump raw sewage in to Lake Michigan. This is fucked up. Even worse still is that insurance doesn’t cover a full loss (if you buy an endorsement) for a sewer backup and if you have too many of them can take away the coverage for it, leaving you completely SOL. Un-fucking believable. Worst part is I don’t see any corrective action happenning for years…..in these situations working in insurance sucks balls…..

 What was the point of digging this if it can’t handle a little torrential rain?

On to more fun stuff….you know what really sucks? Pissing in a urinal while wearing sandals. It is almost a certainty that you will end up with piss on your feet. Now you could tell yoursefl, no big deal, it’s your piss (which usually I do tell myself if I’m drunk and just move on), but your piss is hitting the wall that 25 other dudes have already peed on and what is actually hitting your foot is a mixture of your piss with every other guy’s piss that has graced the urinal. Pretty gross. What really kills me is after a night of drinking and pissing in urinals I don’t usually come home and wash my feet, especially now that the smoking ban is in place I have no reason to shower after a night out. When wearing sandals, opt for the toilet, unless you are a fan of having piss feet.

Even though I’m pretty much done w/ Brewers baseball I’m happy they shipped Jim Edmunds out of town. It has nothing to do w/ his playing ability (he actually did some positive things while here in Mil-Town), but he just looks like an ass. He has what I call “Punch you in the Face – Face”. He just looks like a smug douche who you want to wind up and clock. He might be a really nice guy. In fact some of my friends saw him at Ryan Braun’s Steakhouse and said he was pretty cordial, but I don’t buy it. I bet Edmunds is a complete jerk off, people w/ PYINTF Face usually are. Others w/ this syndrome are: Jay Cutler, Coach K, Lane Kiffin, Rodney Harrison (not just relegated to white guys), Chris Collinsworth, and Scott Skiles. Good riddance, get your aging ass out of baseball!

 Who wouldn’t want to sock this guy?

I was watching the first NFL preseason game and this is what I came away with: I bet Jordan Palmer totally pretends he is his brother Carson when out at the bars to get laid. I cannot blame the guy. Their resemblance is uncanny. I mean they are brothers, but it’s un-real how similar they look and there is a 5 year age difference.

Take a look:

 I believe Carson is on the left????

Question of the week: Whatever happenned to Tadahito Iguchi? Is he still in baseball? Just re-living some 2005 White Sox World Series memories, trying to get amped for the stretch run.

Next time I post (if I have time) I will be a father, scary……

Stay Classy,

Laurence Fishburne

Keep on keepin on,

Royce McNutsacks

Sorry,

Dick Emerich

I will admit it…..there was a rather large part of me that wanted to see Big John in contention on Sunday…..”You don’t know me, like I know me. You’ve never walked a mile in my shoes.” If only I could John, if only…..I could be passed out outside a Hooters after a hard night of drinking….that is my next drunk goal. Too bad the nearest Hooters is 45 min away. It will be done, oh yes, it will be done….

Continuing on my track of odd health issues/ailments (colon infection, horrific car accident, diaphragm getting lodged in stomach, etc.) I have developed an infected tear duct (Web MD diagnosis). It’s not really that painful and more annoying than anything else. It basically consists of a constant trickle of water coming out of the corner of my eye. I don’t know what I can do to stop it, and since I hate going to the Dr. I’m sort of hoping it just goes away. The weirdest thing is over night while asleep giant crusticles form in the corner and between the eyelids. It’s kind of gross, but definitely ranks on the mild side in comparison to my other recent health adventures.

Last week I was pulling in to my neighborhood after a long day from work and saw a young boy, about 8 years old skateboarding down the road…….while talking on a cell phone. What the fuck does this kid have going on is his life that he needs to be chatting it up w/ buddies while skateboarding? “Dude, Kenny I totally stole Johnny’s Pokemon Wii game from his backpack” is probably the kind of shit he is saying or discussing the booger he left at McDonald’s in the play room. I understand that cell phones are a part of mainstream society and it’s even normal/practical for high-schoolers and (can’t believe I’m saying this) potentially middle-schoolers to have them, but a fucking 8 year old? As somebody about to raise a child I have now vowed….no cell phone until 13 for a girl, 15 for a boy. Now the real battle begins to make sure my wife doesn’t undermine this tenet of Ladd Child-rearing.

Why don’t humans have mating calls? I have these squirrels in my back yard that make mating calls and I love it. The squirrel mating call is hilarious, it is a mix between a yelp and a croak and is long and drawn out. It stimulates me! Seriously though, why no mating call for the humans? I’m not incredibly good looking and was border-line shy when meeting new women, but if humans had mating calls I bet I would have mated a shit load more in my single days. I have my mating call picked out, if as a species we ever decide to start, it’s almost donkey-ish, and has no effect on my wife, but I bet it would bring in some hotties, ya know if they were in to that sort of thing.

  I bet this dude’s mating call is the Ballz! Pun Intended.

I saw a headline on ESPN.com that a group of Notre Dame athletes (including Joe Montana’s son) were busted for underage drinking at a party. Why is this a headline? When is America going to understand/accept that college students drink (and drink heavily in some instances)? This is the first time that these young adults are living on their own without parental supervision and what kind of fun would one be having if not breaking some laws and getting a little drizzy? I’m befuddled by the fact that this is considered newsworthy. It does raise a deeper issue though. Why is the drinking age 21? Almost everyone I knew at the age of 19 and 20 drank and most of those binge drank every weekend. What purpose does having a drinking age of 21 serve? I’m a large proponent of lowering the national drinking age to 19. If somebody can find a valid reason to keep it at 21, I’m all ears.

Back to picking at my constantly running tear duct, and icing my severely strained hamstring (typical fat guy softball injury),

Micah Hanthorne

I got my first clue that my kid is going to be as weird as I am. So, experts say the Dad should talk to the child while it is in the womb, and I do. On occasion it will kick when it hears my voice, and there are other times when I have little to no effect. Well, last night out of nowhere I started singing a little Wang Chung to the baby still inside my wife, and the little thing went crazy. It was having an 80’s style dance party all up in my wife. I was so impressed I kept going. I must have repeated “Everybody have fun tonight, everybody Wang Chung tonight” like 20 times (I even did the high and low voices). I was so proud to learn of my child’s affinity for “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” that I’m thinking of breaking out “Dance Hall Days” in the near future.

  How can you not want to have fun tonight w/ these guys?

So I started watching a mini-series/documentary on Nat Geo called Drugs Inc. cause drugs have always intrigued me. I’ve never really been an addict of anything (besides being a serious binge drinker in college) and my experimentation led me to only the natural kinds, a la pot/shrooms, but I’ve always wondered about the hardcore shit from a distance. I wouldn’t consider myself highly educated, but without sounding arrogant I would think that I’m above average intelligence. With that said, I can understand how in certain “cultures/social groups” or “life situations” one may end up trying drugs like cocaine/crack/meth and becoming addicted. However, I have always wondered how/why people ever start heroin. It’s mind boggling to me. Why would one start using a drug that not only in injected via needle (that alone scares the shit out of me) but that puts through horrifying withdrawls when you are not on it. What sounds fun or pleasurable about this? I usually follow the “don’t knock it till you try it” mantra, but I’m sorry what about a drug w/ a short euphoria followed by intense depression/withdrawl sounds like a good time. At least w/ coke the moron taking it is on Cloud 9 for the entire high, and although meth heads are putting household chemicals in their system, at least they are getting 8 hours of a good time. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I’m glad I never ended up in a peer group that thought hardcore drugs were the way to go, and I’m thankful I never hit a rock bottom where I felt I need to turn to a substance harder than a beer to pick me up. People are morons, and after watching this documentary I think I’d like to work for the DEA (yeah I said it, work for the Narcs man.) Pot should still be legalized though.

  Yep, looks like a great time, sign me up…..All heroin/meth addicts should be sent to an island, like the British did to felons when they’d send them to Australia.

Moving on…..my prophecy on the rise of Kevin Durant may come true after all. So, the Miami Heat have raked in Lebron/Wade/Bosh, and there are rumors of the Knicks bringing in Christ Paul and Carmelo Anthony to team up w/ Amare next year. The Utah Jazz have been decimated by free agency. Most of the Spurs will be in a nursing home soon. Kobe has maybe 2-3 years of prime playing left. Dirk will never get it done. Point? The West is being decimated. Durant signed a 5 year extension. Once the Thunder figure out how to beat the Lakers (whom they took to 7 games this year) the dynasty will have officially begun. The Thunder may not have enough to beat the Heat in a typically 7 game series, but my theory is that the East is going to become so brutal to get to the Finals that the West team will have an advantage physically on the East. LeBron, nice bitch move, you’ve just made it that much easier for #35. I give it 2 years. 2012 NBA Champs = Oklahoma City Thunder. Too bad Stern will never let it happen.

  The Real Next Big Thing, and he doesn’t take an hour long ESPN Special to self promote 15 second announcements.

How bout them White Sox? 25-5 in their last 30….too bad Peavy is out for the year. Ozzie is amazing!

Boner in sweat pants time,

Marco Scutaro

  Yes, Duritz had the trademark dreads flowing….

Next up, “Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby” a personal favorite of mine. Then “Mr. Jones” and “Omaha”. At this point I was feelin it, thinking to myself how awesome the show would be. Then the bottom fell out. Augustana played 4 songs nobody’s ever heard of, except their hit single “Boston”. The white rapper came out for 3 of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. Then the C Crows played “Long December” to woo the crowd back (some were debating skipping out to see the end of Modest Mouse a few stages away due to the lack of Crows Classics in the middle of the set). “Miami” was played and few other covers and average songs. They ended their encore w/ “Rain King” which was spectacular, but the show was a very, very odd mix of crap sandwiched between a great start/finish.

 Overall, it was nice being at a show without the usual 500 teeny boppers taking hits of vodka out of water bottles and fighting at the drop of a dime. The Harley stage is quickly becoming my favorite on the Summerfest grounds due to the access of beer/bathrooms. It was an enjoyable experience and I probably saved a great deal of cash (I had debated going to DMB at Alpine). It made me realize that no matter how far they fall off the map the Counting Crows can still rock it and Adam Duritz is a shoo-in to start a song or two over due to getting inebriated before and during the show. He is a classic.

4^th of July was hot! So hot that my balls are chaffed. I was sweating my nuts off (literally), and I’m debating using some of the products set aside for my soon to be here child for remedy. Should I apply a cream or powder? It’s been a while since I’ve experienced such displeasure. On top of that I cannot complain since my wife 8 months prego was dying at the parties we attended, none of which had AC. (Come on now, we’re in the 21^st Century, how does one live without AC?). So now the Ladd fam is ailed w/ chaffed testes and swollen ankles, thank you humidity.

  Glad my balls are not this big….side note, anyone seen Appaloosa? There is a pair of bull testes this big in that movie. I rewoud it like 10 times in awe.

Is it weird that it’s July 5^th and I’m already yearning for pigskin? I guess the Brewers sucking doesn’t help. That and for the first time I will be able to share Gopher Saturdays and Bear Sundays w/ my next of kin. Next to breastfeeding, it’s probably going to my child’s ultimate bonding experience seeing as I don’t really hunt or fish. God I hope if it’s a boy he’s not all metro and would rather watch cooking shows w/ Mommy. I think I’d end up an alcoholic for sure.

Due to workload I have to keep the ranting short again this week. Lo siento.

Jackson Springerhanz

Does anyone else get the feeling Stan McChrystal wanted to be fired? Why would somebody in his position grant an interview to Rolling Stone (who makes MSNBC look conservative)? Rolling Stone never says anything positive about the government, so how did he think this whole thing would come out? I guess I don’t blame McChrystal so much, but what press secretary allows this? I think the end result is great, I’d love to get rid of asshole military brass, but seems like he jumped ship by granting that interview.

So I’m less than 2 months away from fatherhood and I’m learning more about breastfeeding that I ever thought possible. The fact that my wife’s boobs are ginormous is a plus, but soon they will fill w/ milk and hurt her, which means way less motor boating time for me. Breastfeeding is such a process that we even (notice I said we, cause we’re in this together, even though I lack the ability to make breastmilk) have to take a Breastfeeding class (Thur night). Seriously I thought it was as easy as baby hungry, pop out a titty and go, not so much. There is a whole latching process, and getting on a schedule, yada, yada, yada. I’m glad I’m not a woman for many reasons, (the pain of childbirth is enough), but this shit is crazy.

  Is that Maggie Gyllenhal? I don’t know, might be….I love that some women will just pop a titty out anywhere. What if men could just pop out a ball anywhere? Now that’s a world I want to live in….PS – that kid is pulling hard!!!

I have a confession to make. On Saturday of the U.S. Open I caught myself cheering for Tiger. Morally, I can’t stand the guy. I don’t condone the way he conducted his personal life in any way, shape or form (well I might have condoned it, had he been single, but that’s neither here nor there). However, golf, w/ him playing competitive is just better. Don’t get me wrong, the guy I wanted to win (the little Northern Ireland guy, Graeme McDowell, who talked about getting wasted for the next month after winning) won, but there is just something captivating about a major w/ Tiger in the hunt. I felt guilty though. It’s like I shouldn’t cheer for such a bad person, but I couldn’t help it. Everybody else wants to see Breast Cancer Boy Mickelson keep winning (completely ignoring the fact that almost everyone in the PGA thinks he is a D-BAG.), but I like Tiger the golfer. The swearing, the fist pumping, the shots out of grass the size of midgets that miraculously end up on the green; that’s how I play golf (constantly in trouble and very emotionally). It’s too bad that a guy who’s style of play is so fun to watch had to go and ruin it by being a womanizing sleazebag.

  A once legendary pose, now just a glimpse of what used to be…..why Tiger? Why did you have to love cheating on your wife so much? It’s a love/hate relationship now…..

Eating a turkey club w/ a Dilly Bar for dessert,

Tornado Ted

So I’ve been watching some World Cup Soccer and I know FIFA probably could care less about my opinion, but this sport is in need of some major renovations. First off, Extra Time. In every other timed sport (that I’m aware of), when the clock hits zero, the game is over. Either have clock stoppages or end the game. This extra time shit is stupid. Not knowing when the actual end of the game is seems pre-historic to me. I just don’t understand.

 Second, if you insist on not having instant replay why then does a ref not have to explain themselves. (Yes, I’m referring to the U.S. v. Slovenia debacle). This to me opens up Pandora’s Box for a shit ton of Donaghy-esque situations. “Foul!” For what? “Don’t worry about it.” No, explain the foul numb-nuts!

 Why is there not unlimited substitutions? Basketball and football do just fine with unlimited subs. Maybe us chubby folk could play then. It must suck to be a sub. You sit for 76 minutes and get put in to add a spark, by the time you get your bearings, you’re in extra time. I think there would be 10 times as much scoring (I fall asleep as much during soccer as I do golf; I only wake up to the loud goal calls) if stars like Joezy Altidore could come out for 5 min and catch a quick rest on the bench and go back out there. Teams could use more subs too (why do the cap the amount of subs?). Soccer needs to be modernized for the 21^st century. People cannot keep their attention on such a slow developing game w/ archaic rules. FIFA you need a consultant; I suggest this guy.

So, the Lakers won the NBA title and everyone is talking about Lebron, Lebron, Lebron. People I’m sorry, Lebron’s reign will end soon. The real next big thing is in Oklahoma City. I’m going to make a prediction that Kevin Durant wins more rings than Lebron. There are a lot of ifs/ands/buts in this prediction, but LeBron lacks the one thing that Durant has in common w/ Jordan/Kobe, the ability to close. I think Durant is the next “closer”. Give it 2-3 more years and remember where you heard it first.

Fun fact of the day: Did you know that the punishment for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation? I would’ve been a headless horseman a long time ago if I lived there. Poor Indonesians, there must be a shit load of rape there. Isn’t wacking it (if a crime at all) a crime upon oneself? Who is the government to tell a person when/where to self-pleasure? I want to move to Indonesia and start a masturbatory revolution, become the Martin Luther King Jr. of the wack-a-holics! Follow me my people, and touch yourselves! Imagine the movie they’d make…imagine what my wife would tell my child, “Daddy left to help Indonesians beat it”…I’m checking flight prices.

Yet again, the day job is taking me away from my writing….(and my ability to find funny pics for you to look at….sorry).

Toodles,

Jethro Picadilly

So 3 sons of MLB managers were drafted in the baseball draft. What’s fucked up is that all 3 were selected by the teams they coach (Tigers, Giants, White Sox). You’d think if your son was really that good, somebody else would snatch him up. Also, does this mean there is some unwritten code that coach’s sons must be drafted by their daddy’s teams? Ozzie Guillen is in a feud w/ Kenny Williams (White Sox GM) because they waited too long to draft his son? Ozzie was frustrated that last year Williams’ son was drafted higher (also by the White Sox). Reminds me of my little league where parents would rig the draft and sabotage kids to stack their team. I’m shocked that this shit goes on in the big leagues.

 I love this man…..

In other news….anybody watched any World Cup games? I try, but I have to watch on mute because of those fucking horns that sound like a swarm of killer bees are swarming the stadium. My Uruguay team got a big tie to start things off, still my dark horse in the race.

Anybody watch the NBA Finals? I’ve watched maybe 10 min. I just have no interest. It’s not sucking me in whatsoever.

Anybody watch the Brewers lately? Don’t worry they still suck.

As I pointed out, been hella busy w/ the job that actually pays me, so I have to be brief today, but I will leave you w/ this:

 No words….just laughs….

Keep on keepin on,

Harry Paratestes